Trovare la Voglia di Vivere
by Fantasista
Summary: "There's no point in fighting. I'm going to die either way, and nobody can change my mind." Edward is set on refusing heart surgery and the doctors gave him a year to live. Can the arrival of a brown-eyed girl at high school change his mind?
1. Chapter 1

Agony. Pain. Tears. Those are all that I am capable of these days. I can't forget the look on my family's faces when I delivered my sentence firmly, "I won't go through with it." I still remember that day as clearly as the clear blue water in front of me. I sat on my favorite rock facing First Beach and my fists clinched involuntarily as images invaded my mind as sharp as a knife thrust into an abdomen, the pain of which I have no doubt is the same. I recall Carlisle's reaction first, as it was the most difficult to watch out of all; my mother's and Alice's were more than expected. I have never seen my father shed a tear, not even at Nana Elizabeth's funeral, who was Carlisle's mother. It wasn't that Carlisle was unfeeling or cold-hearted, no. My father may be the most compassionate man in all of Chicago, or the world even. But as I uttered those fateful words I was utterly shocked to see tears falling freely from my father's sky-blue eyes. I haven't seen that familiar twinkle in his eyes for over six months now, and I fervently pray each night, among other nightly prayers, that I can catch a glimpse of that twinkle before I go. While my dear mother and sister sobbed without abandon, begging to give it a go and not give up, my dad asked in a broken voice a one-word question, "Why?" My answer to him, to all of them, my sweet mom Esme, my dear sister Alice, and my childhood best friend Emmett, came a month later. We had had lunch with our extended family, the McCarty's who are also Emmett's family, when I felt the signs of my disease making themselves apparent so I had excused myself with the pretext of tiredness and went to take my medication in my room. I remember Allie coming up to my room five minutes later to check up on me, and I feigned sleep.

I guess the medication really took its toll on me and in a few minutes I was knocked out for real. The next thing I knew I was screaming bloody murder from the pain in my chest and everyone came running into my room, each with a panicked and worried expression. The ladies sobbed into each other's arms and Emmett had clasped both my dad's and his dad's shoulders, as if containing them or containing himself. As the pain began to ebb away and recede I was able to breathe properly again, which seemed like a signal at which the wolves converged upon their prey, or in my case, my family suffocated me with their constant fretting. I knew they did it out of worry and fear but I couldn't take it anymore and shouted the answer they've all been wanting to hear," STOP TOUCHING ME! STOP WITH THE PITYING! THIS WAS MY CHOICE ALRIGHT?" they were all shocked at my outburst and it seemed to hurt them so I carried on softly, " Look guys, I love you, and I appreciate the fact that you care, but this is getting to be too much. It's the reason why I refused the surgery. I can't bear prolonging my pain, and even more so, can't bear prolonging yours. I don't want to spend the last days of my life in a hospital bed. I want to enjoy all the time I have left ok? Just stop contemplating calling the ambulance every time I wince in pain or even scream like I did now. It's bound to happen." And I knew it was a low blow to all of them but I requested, "that you let me live my life as I see fit and not suffocate me with your worries and fears. I'm going to die, no running away from that. I've accepted it, so please you guys try too, for me. Can you honor a dying man's wish?" to which Allie punched me hard in the arm and buried herself in my arms, calling me an "insensitive prick." I loved my twin, for she was my best friend even before Emmett came into my life, and I still feel guilty for the times I had ditched her to hang out with Emmett while we were younger. Now, at seventeen, the four of us were inseparable, with the addition of Emmett's steady girlfriend of three years Rosalie Hale. Both Allie and I had refused to date throughout middle and high school, opting for waiting for our 'ones' as we liked to call them, our significant others. We're very close and share everything with each other. I tried keeping my distance with her, but it was hard. After all, we shared our first steps in life by each holding the other. We play that video every year at the Cullen family reunion, Alice and I helping the other stand, and with a smile and lots of baby gurgles, take a step towards our parents together. I'm trying to get Allie used to my absence, to lessen the blow when the time came for me to leave this earth. I couldn't bear to imagine her pain if I remained close with her in my final months and suddenly left her. She didn't have her 'one' to take care of her. At least my parents had each other, and Em had Rose, but Allie didn't have anyone. I think Allie understood what I was trying to do; she always understood me best. Even with my resoluteness in my decision, she didn't fight me on it as much as the others did, because she knew that nothing could change my mind.

I inhaled sharply as that now familiar sting of pain shot through my chest, and knelt by the rock for a few minutes or hours; I couldn't make out at this point, I just wanted the pain to stop. I concentrated on the soothing sound of the waves and seagulls in the distance. I clutched my wet shirt tightly to my chest, wet from the sweat of the strain of breathing properly and situated myself against the rock, too exhausted from the attack to stand up. I texted Allie with trembling fingers, asking her to give me fifteen more minutes before she came to pick me up. Due to my health, I'm now forbidden by doctor dad and Dr. Eleazer, my private doctor back when my problem first started, to drive anymore, so Allie now acted as my personal chauffeur wherever I needed to go. At first, I tried to not burden her and for the first few weeks begged Em for rides, until she got wind of this and threatened to break each of my precious classical cd's right before my eyes if I tried asking anyone other than her for rides. I think she needed to feel useful, or wanted to spend as much time as possible with me before my time came, so I indulged her in that… not that I conversed much for I still believed I should keep my distance. Allie though made up for all of my silences. She talked a mile a minute about latest fashion trends and her latest designs, as well as her excitement and anticipation of the reply from Sorbonne University in Paris. I knew she's make it, told her as much, but she refused to believe in her own abilities and nervously awaited a reply from them every day in the coming months.

Fifteen minutes were up and I suddenly felt uneasy, regretting agreeing to Allie's request for a talk in my room at night. If it weren't for her tears and desperate tone, I would never have promised her but I can never break any promises I made with my twin – it was our unspoken rule throughout our lives. I knew the subject she wanted to discuss with me, and though I looked forward to being in the company of said subject, I wasn't looking forward to discussing her with Allie. Because she knew that things have changed for me now, that I wasn't as firm and resolute in my decision as I was a week before. A brown-haired beauty with rich-brown eyes had me second-guessing my decision, regretting it even. And for Allie, that was all that mattered. She found the beginnings of a hole in my armor, and damn all if she didn't try to seize this opportunity and change my mind. "I won't go through with it, I won't go through with it, I won't go through with it," was my mantra as I stood up to meet Allie by the beach's parking lot. I tried distinguishing the will to live again, for it grew stronger every day since I met my 'one', and no matter how much I tried, it was completely fruitless.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Plot is mine, characters belong to the admirable Stephenie Meyer**

**Hey all!**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and added my story to their favorites… Didn't expect this much interest for a first story **** Ok so…sorry for the delay but I'm afraid this is the last chapter to be posted until the end of May – when my IB – International Baccalaureate – exams are over and done with**

**I'll make it up to you after that I promise ;p **

**BPOV**

I let out a shaky breath as the plane started descending. Jasper beside me gave my hands a tight squeeze and smiled in understanding, but I could only manage a weak smile back. I was worried about two major things, one more so than the other. I closed my eyes and recalled that fateful day that caused us to be head to Chicago…

Alas, one day my older brother Jasper was tackled hard during his last senior football game, and his spine was severely damaged. Whenever I close my eyes I see those final moments of the game, and experience it all over again. My parents and I were on our feet up on the bleachers, cheering on Jasper as he ran towards the goal with ball in hand. However, he didn't anticipate the defense springing upon him as soon as he reached the goal line, and all we could see was three muscular boys on top of Jasper, and then everyone started screaming. Jasper's teammates ran towards him and pulled the thugs off him, and the whole stadium went silent once his still form was revealed. The moment I saw him lying vulnerable there the floodgates opened. I recall the moment mom pulled me to her chest, as if shielding me from this reality, her usually soothing scent failing to do so at that moment. Dad suddenly pushed past us and hurried down the bleachers towards the field, and we quickly trailed after him. We ran across the field towards Jasper but as soon as we neared him I clutched my heart and fell to the ground, sobbing from fear and worry. Mom soon followed me and we lay there, a few feet away from my dear brother, a sobbing mess. There seems to be something utterly wrong with the way Jasper lied there, his body twisted in an unnatural way. Dad continued on, reaching him at the same time the paramedics do. A few moments later we suddenly hear my brother's rather loud cry of pain, a pain filled with so much torment my heart practically stops; when the medics tried moving him he fainted on the spot. He was then quickly rushed to the hospital in an ambulance while we quickly followed by car. The doctors in Forks didn't have the necessary medical equipment to perform surgery for him, and placed a temporary spine cast to disable any sudden movements of his spine. I shudder violently when I recall that first night in the hospital. My parents and I had camped out in Jasper's hospital room and woke up in the middle of the night to a deafening scream followed by agonized sobs. Poor Jasper had tried reaching for a glass of water by the side table which caused him to twist his back in order to reach for it, cue the pain and agony. Therefore our parents decided to have him treated in Chicago, but neither was able to accompany him as they were in no position to leave their jobs; my dad Charlie was Chief of Police and my mom Renee was the principal of the only school in Forks. Thus, I decided to accompany my brother to Chicago, and this meant I had to enroll at one of the schools in Chicago for my final year because Jasper's treatment would take a while, probably a year or so.

I worried about leaving him alone in our rented apartment while I went to school, but it couldn't be helped. Besides, Jasper seemed on the verge of breaking down due to our constant hovering in the few weeks following his accident, so maybe it was good he got some space to breathe. My other source of anxiety stemmed from the idea of starting senior year in a new school. I couldn't fathom how I would fit in, as I wasn't a social person to begin with, and all my friends in Forks were people I knew and had grown up with since birth; everyone in our little town knew each other.

As the plane touched the ground I chanced a glance at Jasper and saw his face scrunch up in pain as the touchdown jostles his body. I fervently pray at that moment for my brother to have a painless and speedy recovery, though I wasn't naïve enough to think the coming months wouldn't be harsh on him. As I help Jasper pick up his bags and stand in line behind the other passengers to exit the plane, I look through one of the windows in the plane, and wonder what type of winds The Windy City would blow towards us…

**Let me know what you think! Any speculations on what would happen next? Anything you want to see happen – your opinions are more than welcome **

**Please leave reviews!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey there! Thanks to those who have reviewed and followed Trovare la Voglia di Vivere. Im finally done with school! This means I can now dedicate my free time to this story. This chapter goes to my readers **myriad-souls, hannqhn , Elizabeth142, strawberrycuppycake, and amy fuller! Thanks for your patience and support. Love you guys :)

**Disclaimer: Plot is mine, characters belong to the admirable Stephenie Meyer**

**BPOV**  
The driver of the taxi cab helped carry our luggage to the doorsteps of our apartment while I helped Jasper out of the car. My poor brother finally stopped complaining about demeaning his masculinity due to the crippling pain he encounters when he stubbornly tries to move around without assistance. I paid the driver and stood silently by Jasper who was keenly observing the building where our apartment resides in. I knew he was having the same thoughts as I was. _Would it suit our needs? Would the other tenants treat us kindly? Would it ever feel like home?_

I wasn't foolish enough to believe we could come to Chicago, easily settle in, have Jasper complete his treatment successfully, and go back to Forks without any trouble. I knew we were going to face a road of hardships and I knew Jasper would, more times than not, feel like giving up. However, since his accident I suddenly became the elder sibling and personal cheerleader of Jasper Swan. It was my job to keep his spirits up and most importantly, ensure that he believes in himself. Just like it is my job now to keep up a good front and take the first step into the building that would become our house for the next year. Taking a deep breath I picked up our bags, gave my despondent brother an encouraging smile, and held the door open for Jasper to enter. We were walking up to the elevators when I suddenly heard Jasper moan and say: "Bella_, the damn elevators are out of order! Do I really have to endure walking up the stairs to the fourth level?" _

Just our luck! We just had to have the worst kind of luck, and of course he was horrified! Jasper's doctor back in Forks advised him to walk up the stairs every day to strengthen the muscles of his back to aid him in his physiotherapy, but Jasper was stubborn. He refused to listen to the doctor and now it looks like karma is out to get him. I couldn't help rolling my eyes as he kept on complaining. "_I saw that Isabella! Don't you go rolling your eyes at me little sis... we can't all walk without feeling pain." _I gritted my teeth in frustration, refusing to let him goad me by using my full name. He knew I hated to be called Isabella! Determined to not stoop down to his level I smile sweetly at my brother, refusing to feel guilty when he refused to listen to his doctor's advice, _"Well big baby, I think this is a blessing in disguise. You know this is good practice for physiotherapy which your DOCTOR advised you to do. Besides, why are you complaining? I'm the one who has to lug our suitcases up four levels. Seriously, carry on with this attitude and by the end of the year, I'll be the one with muscles and you'll be the one with weak muscles. Basically, I would be able to hit like a boy and you'll only be able to hit like a girl!_" I laughed with glee at Jasper's horrified expression. _"C'mon Jaspera, follow me or you'll be sleeping by the door tonight._ _"I hate you Bella,"_ my brother whined. "_First of all, if I don't move for a year and you practice punching the punching bag every day, I'll still be stronger and you'll still hit like a girl! Secondly, where is the damn superintendent of the building? I can't let you carry our suitcases all by yourself up those freakish stairs."_

As if on cue, a red-faced lanky boy with blond hair came running down the stairs and skidded to stop in front of us. He had a sheepish smile on his chubby face and addressed us breathlessly, "_Hey! You guys must be our new tenants. I'm guessing you're the Swan siblings? I'm sorry, I had to run up to the sixth floor to fix a bathroom leakage. I'm Mike Newton, your superintendent."_ He held his hand out to Jasper first for a handshake but he would soon learn not to talk to my brother when he was in a foul mood - which is most of the times these days. Jasper snorted in disgust and rudely stated, "_You've just been fixing up a freaking leaking toilet, and you honestly think I want to touch your hand where God knows where it has been?"_ Poor Mike looked flustered and I slyly pinched Jasper's arms, silently rebuking him for his rude behavior. "_Don't mind my brother too much Mike, he can be nice when he wants to but right now he's just in a bad mood." _ Mike nodded his head acknowledgement and picked up our suitcases. "_C'mon, I'll show you to your apartment, just follow me_."

He made his way up the stairs and stopped in confusion when he noticed we hadn't followed him. I shot Jasper an apologetic look to which he responds with a glare, and told Mike," _You go on ahead. Jasper has trouble with his back and I need to assist him. It's going to be a long process."_ Thankfully Mike kept his mouth shut, only shooting Jasper a sympathetic glance and then continuing up the stairs. "_Come on big bro, let's do this. And for the love of all that's holy please please reign in your whining._" I wasn't being harsh or cruel. Jasper needed to be reminded all the time that he shouldn't let his pain affect his faith in healing. Since his accident Jasper acts like his world has fallen apart with no chance of righting it. In that moment I fervently wished for something to restore Jasper's faith in life. As I took Jasper's arms and stepped onto the first step Jasper whined," _Isabella! Don't move so quickly."_ Who was I kidding? This was emojazz I was talking about, of course he'd whine! Four levels of stairs have never seemed more daunting.

**Let me know what you think! All suggestions are welcome too :)**


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